Friday, September 18, 2009

SAHM Struggle: Different Sizes

I just walked past the coat hook in my hall and saw a green flowered jacket and a navy football jacket hanging. They are both so tiny and perfect for my perfect babies. I am so lucky to have two healthy children whom I have no major worries about.

I am almost adjusted to the SAHM project. I get up in the morning, and I get going. I am not one of those moms who gets up, showers, and puts on makeup. I make too many messes cleaning or scrubbing something. Plus, I like to walk in the mornings.

My normal routine: rise at 7 (with Ty or Za waking me), brush teeth, put on comfy clothes, make coffee, feed kids, clean kids, clean me. This is where it starts to fall apart a bit. I have this struggle of being with the kids but also getting something done--writing or cleaning. I crave to check my outside statuses--Twitter, Facebook, hotmail, gmail, Red Room, etc. I don't obsess over these all day like the moms on Oprah or Dr. Phil. I just want a moment. That elusive SAHM moment.

I allow Ty two hours of TV daily; he chooses to watch Micka-Mouse in the morning and again, Micka-Mouse after his nap. With breakfast over, he settles into that and Za crawls around while I sit at the computer. This, from an outside view, is nice. I sip coffee, chase Za, check my outside connections, and the kids play. Za isn't too interested in TV, and I keep her from it. After that hour, Ty is fussy and yes, I do link this to TV. 

I enjoy this hour, but don't let myself as well as I could. I feel guilty for checking my stuff, for letting Ty get mad about his show ending, for letting Za knock over the dog's dish. This is the major obstacle with being a SAHM: guilt. I have different levels, different sizes of guilt, but it is there. I internalize it all and analyze and apply educational theories to all that they do. Do all SAHMs do that? This guilt, internalization, I must stop it. I have wonderful, darling, perfect babies. I should spend every realistic moment loving them and quit this stupid guild trip.

SAHM successes are important, and their value will show in our children.